just lots of wishes - ainda quarta feira, 12 de julho de 2017

I wish i was born pretty

I wish I was born thin

I wish I was born you

I wish I was born mean

I've just realized I'm afraid of vacations - Quarta-feira, 12 de julho de 2017.

I read that story today

On the blue timeline on the screen

It told me about a couple

That was able to be free

She went to another country                                                                 

The guy, he hasn't cried for that

He made her a soup of

Their sweetest moments

And sent to her in a pack

The feeling was what I want to feel,

But the only thing I know,

About my story, my friends

Is that I will never, never,  know.

I’m like Jon Snow.

I’m afraid to face what I feel,

I’m afraid to discover what I want

Because what I want is not an option

I wish I knew what I want

without any pain

I just wish I could

To be the conductor of my life

But now I’m just

Wishing you to know

What I want (I wish you to replace me).

And that hurts my feelings

To know that

I’m afraid of vacations

Because everytime I came back

People weren’t here anymore

I’m afraid to tell you this

But I wish you were seeing

All this pain inside of me

And you could take care of me

Because I can't

I can't

I can't take care of myself

I never could do that to myself

I'd accept that as a gift

But I’m sorry that it’s something 
You could never give.

Because no one can give
It to anyone

Even our parents. Even God.

I wish you to know about

Those things that 

I'm afraid to know.

I say "I’m so brave when I love"

But I feel like that’s not enough

I wish I knew what it feels like

To think about sex, just about sex.

I feel like a weirdo 

when i'm with horny people.

I wish you looked at me as a different person today

In a good way...

I want to be a full person to you...

Everyone of you...

But I’m not even a full person to myself.

I’m afraid to live with my future traumas

Which hasn’t happened yet

But that just reminds me about 
how I could

Recognise myself in that lake

Even if I were 10.000 miles away.

I know I'll want to go back in there 

from time to time.

But I’m scared I’m scared

That some day… in my life

I'll become… deaf or blind.

Because the blanket

Is here again

And everyday, for a week

 I wish I was

Someone to want that something again

Someone to live for something again

But its suffocating me

The winter used to be when

Something brought depression to someone

To deliver my rejoice

There's only one space

One little peace of honey

Who might bring that sweet rejoice

But now I’m afraid of vacations

And I don't know what to do.

Domingo, 5 de março de 2017 - I feel thirsty

When i knew you’d be away

I started to keep the things that remind me of you

Like we were never blue

With the reality behind our backs

When we’re not, both, there

I watched that movie and I felt like

My fingerprint missed your skin

And I felt not clean

I am just trying to think

That you deserve no mean

And I am mean, you know?

I can be mean.

But it hurts

It hurts to feel like I’m not a whole package

Filled with things you love

I am trying to open myself, you know?

And I know it can be hard and aggressive

But, I ask: have you ever felt oppressed?

By me?

I didn’t mean it

I don’t know, maybe we’re stuck

I’m looking for that pot of gold

I feel like i wanted to be rewarded

but it’s never enough

Segunda-feira, 7 de setembro de 2015

Eu preciso de ajuda

Nao sei mais a quem ou a que recorrer.

Eu sinto que qualquer hora eu vou ficar louca e perder de vez o controle que eu já nao tenho de mim mesma, da minha mente.

Estou voltando de viagem desesperada pra sair desse carro e chorar tudo o que eu posso

Não aguento mais

Não sei mais o que fazer

É muito difícil lidar com olhares alheios de pessoas próximas que só me vêem como irresponsável... Eu sei que tenho responsabilidades que dizem respeito a mim mesma, a minha própria vida... E é trezentas vezes mais triste você ver que não consegue fazer as coisas por si. Eu não sei em quem confiar ou quem vai acreditar no que eu to dizendo.

Eu quero morrer. Não consigo fazer isso agora e so penso a todo tempo em quando vou conseguir, e espero que as coisas não porém ate lá. Eu não sei mais o que fazer. Não existe nada mais desestimulante na vida que não ter controle sobre si mesmo.

Quarta feira, 26 de agosto de 2015

Eu queria que nós não tivéssemos nenhum passado

Que me lembrasse de todos os momentos bons e ruins que nós já vivemos

Nas nossas individualidades

Que me deixasse preocupada

Sobre as possibilidades futuras

E sobre como

A nossa promessa

Nunca foi um contrato

Pra eu te dizer que eu não deveria esperar por todas as desavenças

E que eu não entendo o luto que a gente sente

Quando uma parte da nossa vida vai embora

Eu queria dizer que quando eu disse que conseguiria

Passar por isso e ficar bem

Que não era uma mentira

Eu queria poder dizer que eu não vivi momentos bons 

E que você não me apresentou possibilidades na vida

Que me mostraram que o mundo poderia ser diferente

E excitante

E divertido

E que existia muito mais além do que eu acreditava que existia

O que eu posso dizer agora 

É que tempo é necessário

Mas que eu gostaria de saber

Mais que tudo sobre você

É que um dia, futuro

Eu vou poder te ver de novo na minha porta, tocando a campainha

E deitando na minha cama

E eu te dizer, sem passado, sem problemas

Que você é a minha pessoa preferida

E que vai ser pra sempre.

Quarta-feira, 10 de junho de 2015.

Now I've found where "love" is:

"Love" is when you find someone to share how hard existence is with... Then life gets easier.
 I’ve found what it is. For the first time I can say this:

I loved someone.

Actually, I still really love her. 

I wish we hadn't any past
To remind us that there were other people
That we cannot forget
And we don't want to.

I wish we hadn't any past
To harm us so bad that
When we look into each other's eyes
We would not even think
How the memories you have about someone you loved so bad
Makes me feel so insecure to loose you
That I would prefer to die.

I wish we hadn't any past
To make me remember
That only knowing that i've already been through all of this
I can say
In a fuckin' truly way
You're the right one for me now
And, if I could love you someday
I'll love you with best way I can
And I promisse you this:

I'll love you
Because I respect you so much
That I won't deny
Any feelings you have
Even if
This means
That you'll only have them
For the right one
That came before me.